In which I survived

I made it through the day. Only one howling breakdown in the washroom.

Now to keep doing this every day...

In which I learn to slow down

I'm naturally a "fastwalker". I am on a mission to get where I am going. I rarely dawdle and stroll. When there is someone to get to, well, then baby, let's get there. That was then, and this, my friends....is now...

Anne is learning to walk She has taken several steps on her own but usually prefers to hold onto my hand while toddling about. (Sidenote: Anyone else find baby steps hysterically funny? Lift the foot and then stomp it down, leg completely straight like there are no knees involved, wide stance...it's quite amusing.) She likes to walk around outside especially. So whether we are walking to the market or to the playground or to the coffee shop, she prefers to get out of her stroller these days and walk. Which disturbs my pace.

We walk and I hold her hand. I start down the path like I'm on a straight line. Then we suddenly stop. Anne has spotted a leaf. STOP THE PRESSES! She drops my hand and scurries over to look at the leaf, petting it, lifting it - in effect with her "ooo's" and "aahh's" saying "Look Mummy!" - and generally mystified by such a wonderful creation. I haul her up and start walking over again. Walk, distract, drop, look, redirect, repeat.

"Look, Mummy! A dandelion!"

"Look, Mummy! A little kid!"

"Look, Mummy! A bit of grass!"

"Look, Mummy! A rock!"

"Look, Mummy! A cigarette butt!"

And a walk that normally takes less than 5 minutes turns into 25 minutes.

I realised that in motherhood I have been slowed down considerably.

Giving birth slowed me down physically. Suddenly this wasn't a cold I could just "tough out". I had to lie down, had to rest, had to take it easy, had to enjoy Anne on her terms. Then nursing slowed me down. In the midst of running around, Anne needed to eat. So we'd sit down and I'd nurse her in a quiet spot. She'd take her time and I'd be forced to just sit for a few minutes together and take a moment to connect, nourish and love her. Imagine that. The opportunities have continued. We'd be playing on the floor and she'd suddenly stop - mystified and amazed - arrested by the trees outside in the wind, watching the light and shadows move. And I'd think "When was the last time I watched the light move?" Then the bedtimes. I was used to going out late in the evening, always being busy with church stuff ("It's the ministry! Of course it's important!") or even just running out for a cuppa coffee at 10 o'clock. Now the wee girl needs to be in bed at 7. So we're home for the evenings, quieter.

Even our approach to ministry has changed...we felt almost guilty for not working in church more and doing more like we used to when we were married singles. When I shared that with our pastor, she was so kind and wise, telling us in effect "This is a season for family. Life is long and ministry to others will always be there. But ministry to your family is just for a few short years. Relax and enjoy this season." I really took that to heart. I don't need to be changing the world entirely this year. I can take a bit of time for my wee girl and myself and preparation and prayer, believing that all things work together for the purposes of God. Our big dreams of planting a church in a year and going going going going were put on pause by the Lord. And we realised we have much to learn and absorb and receive and give in this context. When we were calling out to God "What next? We thought we'd be doing MORE by now! We miss full-time ministry - we miss pastoring!" the answer we received from God? "Be diligent and wait." Gee, thanks. But now I've come to embrace that as the calling of my life right now. Be diligent to what God has called us to right now - learning from our church, grad school for Brian, raising Anne, me working, doing life with our families and friends - and wait. God knows our next step and the perfect time.

I didn't like what I was doing with Anne. I was missing opportunities to let her learn, absorb her world, learn to walk, learn to listen to her Mum. We stood on the sidewalk and I said "Enough" to myself. And I sat down on the path with her and we played in the rocks, her learning what they are and me teaching her not to eat them.

I think I'm learning to switch off my overachieving freak tendencies and walk a bit more slowly, holding my daughter's hand. Looking at things I haven't seen in years. Seeing beauty and newness through her eyes. Learning to enjoy the moment. See God in the process and the journey rather than just the destination. I thought I had learned this lesson years ago when we first entered pastoring. But I'm learning it again. And I'm sure I'll learn it again later.

In a way, I feel like maybe I'm like Anne to God's Mummy. He's got my hand and has a destination in mind. But I keep getting sidetracked by sometimes good things and sometimes bad things. He lets me learn and then we continue together.

In which I become vulnerable about my shorts

Here's the thing. My legs touch at the top.

Yes. I will admit to this evident deformity. My legs have ALWAYS touched at the top. Even when I was 7 years old and skinny, my legs touched at the top. It's a family thing. So I know it's not just a weight thing. My thighs just touch at the top.

Okay?

Whoever designed shorts (i.e. an inseam shorter than 10 inches) obviously never had thighs. They were obviously never a woman. They were obviously never shaped like anything other than 12-year-old boy.

In the summertime I quite enjoy wearing shorts. After all, it's hot and I don't have to go to work every day (yet). So I put on my shorts and go out into the world. Even though I know that I will have to face what millions of other women NOT shaped like referenced 12-year-old boys do.

The Sneaky Crotch Pull-Down.

You know. You're walking along in your little shorts and they start to creep up.

"Oh, no," you think. "My thighs happen to actually TOUCH at the top of my legs. And now the shorts are creeping up in the middle. Ack. It feels bunchy. I have a bunchy crotch. OH MY WORD."

How attractive.

So you kind of try to surreptitiously shake one leg to the side, hoping that the creep will just fall. But no. It's really up there. So now your shorts are all bunched up to your crotch and you're shaking your leg like Thumper trying to dislodge them.

And that's when a pack of supermodels about age 18 walk by. With their little shorts and stick-thin legs that have never seen a pair of shorts with an inseam longer than 3 inches and can't fathom a time when their legs may actually touch at the top.

Not that I'm bitter.

Now you're faced with a dilemma. Do you stop and pull down the bunchiness? Do you stride past like "Hey, what bunchy crotch?" Do you sit on the sidewalk and cry? Do you swear off shorts until the end of time and resort to skirts for the rest of your life?

Hey, baby. I've tried them all.

The worst is when you sneakily try to pull the centre of your shorts down. So you're walking and just ever so casually (right) reach down and yank the crotch of your shorts back down to where they should be.

Be warned though. Every time you do that, when you raise your eyes, someone will be making eye contact with you as if to say "What the heck was that?" To which I usually glare back the message "Oh, like you've never had pull down the crotch of your shorts before?"

 

 

In which I plug back in

It's official. We're settled in and we love it. The pictures are even hung in their proper spots.
So relieved to finished with moving, packing, unpacking, sorting, organising and putting away. If I ever see another box...
Finally got our internet up and running. Wireless is still a mystery however. Just catching up on emails and websites.

Anne's birthday is coming up on Saturday. I think we're just going to have a "family" party around lunchtime. First taste of sweets! I don't know if you remember but homemade carrot cake is our "thing" for birthdays. My mum made me a homemade cake every single birthday and it was actually the recipe that we used for our wedding cake! So I'm excited to continue the tradition with Anne-girl.

She's cutting another tooth right now - one of her molars.

She took her first steps two weeks ago. So far she still isn't interested in walking though. She takes a few steps every day but has evidently decided that she can't get there fast enough, so crawling is perferred. :)

She is talking up a storm these days. She's added "thank you", "baby", "bye bye", "nummers" (for nursing) to "hi", "daddy", "mummy" and "grampa". Still no Granny or Auntie so my sister and mum are hard at work with her. LOL She loves to chat and talks all day long these days.

Two weeks until I'm back at work. Pray for me? It's ripping my heart out to leave Anne so I'm struggling.

I'll be more regular about the blogging thing shortly. I have a few posts that I've been thinking about so might even have something worth reading for a change. ROFL