In which the Shack hits my life

I have been swimming in the deep end lately. I'm almost to the end of "The Shack" by William P. Young (or Willie, as he comes to be known).

I have a group of friends that read this book. Their effusive praise meant that my expectations were sky-high. i finally ordered this book that had so thoroughly messed with my friends, thinking "Now I probably won't like it. Every time that someone recommends something, I end up not liking it."

But I've got to be honest. And I don't use these words lightly.

This book has changed my life.

I'm not even quite finished yet but my life is markedly different. My approach to God, my understanding of the story of God - all of it. I am baffled at how I've served God so many years without truly understanding this.

So I've now bought 6 more to give away. My family and I are starting a book discussion group to read it together.

I know that I will have a lot more to think about with this so more posts regarding it to come, no doubt. 

 

In which I am molested on the SkyTrain

On Wednesday night, there was a shut-down on the Sky Train service. The entire transit system was closed for an hour right at rush hour. I was stranded at my SkyTrain station. The crowds continued to build as more and more people arrived for their train. Usually the trains leave every 2-3 minutes (full) so you can imagine the sheer numbers of people waiting at each station. While I waited, I was listening to my iPod and generally trying to keep from the massive crowd near the stairs. A guy about 40 came over and started to talk. He was Indian and had a thick accent so I assumed he didn't know the proper etiquette that states "Thou shalt not try to start a conversation with a total stranger" and it's equally important addendum "Especially with said-person has headphones on. That means they don't want to talk to anyone, least of all a stranger." So I just nodded occasionally and smiled when he complained about the service, trying to shut it down with my body language. Eventually the train that was stuffed full of people shut its doors and took off down the track. The next train pulled up and there was a massive crush of people to get onto it. I was swept into the crowd and pushed into the train. It was insane. I couldn't move or hardly breathe as more than 40 people crammed into an area meant for 5-10 skinny people. Soon I felt this man behind me. He had pushed over to my back. He put his hand on my arm and left it there. I kept trying to move my arm, even turning around to say "Excuse me, move your hand." but he just grinned and gestured like "I'm stuck." I once again figured it must be a cultural thing and maybe he didn't know the top rule which is "Thou shalt not ever touch anyone else." After 10 minutes of this, I was very uncomfortable. Then there was an announcement that the trains were shut down again and we would be another 30 minutes waiting to go. Evidently translating this as the "perfect opportunity" as I was trapped, this man slid his arm around my waist, just under my breasts and pressed his p*nis up against my bum while he moved against me.

I whipped around (no small feat when you can't move or breathe) and swung my arm around, elbows up, to catch him just below his throat. I said loudly "I'm getting off this train. Get your hands off me." And I pushed off the train. He appeared to be trying to follow me and so I walked quickly to another train departing on another platform and jumped on just as the doors were closing. I rode the train to the end of the line before disembarking and getting on the right train to go home (finally).

The thing that bothered me is that there was no security there. They had this major incident and no crowd control. Someone could have gotten crushed. And I'm sure I wasn't the only one groped in close quarters that day. Is there some sort of Batman-type signal for pervies to show up when the SkyTrain shuts down? Evidently I'm unaware.

And the next morning, I got back on the train. There's no way to report it. "Oh, this guy I can't really identify pushed against my bum and tried to grab my breasts." "What does he look like?" "Um, he's forty with a strong south asian accent." Great. That narrows down about a million people...

I'm surprised by how much it bothered me. I felt - and feel - rather disgusting.

In which I missing my girl

I made it through my third week. It seemed harder this week for some reason. I just was bone tired. Anne seemed to be realising that this is "for real" and has reacted in kind: hanging onto my ankles in the mornings, weeping, clinging tenaciously to my neck at all times. I want to give her time but I need to get ready and out the door as well. And then in the evenings, she's wound up because she's so happy that I'm home. We play for a while. If we have time after supper (and I skip her bathtime), I take her to the playground so we get some fun in before bedtime.

I'm not feeling very noble or brave tonight. Most of the time I say things like "This is just the sacrifice I have to make for my family" and "It'll be worth it" and "How wonderful that we have the opportunity to have Brian home with her" and "Other families do it every day."

But right now, I don't give a crap.

I see her at the end of the day and I well up with tears. I miss her smell all day long.

To be honest, I am achy and tired and missing my girl. I miss a million small things every day like waking her up from her nap and giving her lunch and playing on the floor and getting groceries together and going for walks. I'm so scared that I'll lose the bond I have with her. I'm frightened it will never be the same again; but I realise that it's always like that and I'll have those thoughts a million times in her life as she grows up.

So I leave at 7:30 in the morning, take the bus to the SkyTrain and then take the SkyTrain for 20 minutes to downtown. I go to my cubicle (no more corner office) and work my butt off until 4 o'clock. I rarely take lunches. It's a busy environment. In a way that's exhausting but in another way, it's good as it makes the days pass quickly. I see no kindred spirits but we'll see. And then I SkyTrain it home where Brian and Anne are waiting for me at the station. We go home and I try to cram an entire days worth of love into two and a half hours before she goes to bed.

I'm so thankful that she's still breastfeeding. We have our special time in the mornings and at night. I have also taken to nursing her in the middle of the night again if she wakes up. I started that up again when we moved as I felt she was getting uprooted from so much. We moved, Brian was home more, she was missing my parents so much and then I went back to work AND she was teething all four of her molars. Poor wee girl. We both needed those nighttime nurses. So it's been a month now and I think I'll have to start getting her back to sleeping through the night again.

Tonight, Brian and Anne met me at the library. I picked up a couple of new books. Then we went to the mall for Indian food. Yay for naan and butter chicken.

Anne is really growing up now. I can't believe how fast that "baby" stage went. It seems like in less than two weeks, she's gone from that baby look to a toddler look. She loves to walk and play. She is saying so many words. Yesterday, she handed my mum something and said "here you go" like it was nothing. One of her new favourite things is to press the radio button on my alarm clock. She turns on the radio and then she wiggles like she's dancing. She'll move her head back and forth and wiggle her bum while we sing "We're dancin'...we're dancin'...." Her favourite song is "The Little Green Frog" and she is learning to sing along. She'll clap with me and then try to stick her tongue out at the right time. When I say the last word "Ah" she sings along "Aaaahhhhh". She's got a very friendly heart. At the playground, she waves to everyone and wants to say "Hiiiiii". She's all over the place especially in this big firetruck. Our playground has two sections - one for the school kids and one for the preschool kids (so they don't get run over). She is usually the youngest there. She saw this big kid howling into the pretend siren (it looks like one of those phonograph horns) of the fire truck where was steering the wheel. She scampered over the seat, stood at the horn and put her little mouth to it and went "doot doot doot doot" like it was a siren, just copied him like anything. She's also getting independent, testing her limits and boundaries, learning how to behave.

I long for weekends and they're over too quickly. Being Mummy is my only calling right now and yet I am gone from her life for 40 hours a week (not counting commuting time). How asinine is that?

Anyway...

Brian started school again this week. He's taking two classes.

I bought a new iPod this week. I picked it up at a last-minute auction on eBay for just $90. It's a Nano. Quite excited to figure all of that out. I want to listen to sermons while SkyTraining. I usually read if I get a seat, but I only get a seat about 50% of the time. Otherwise, I stand, try to maintain my balance around hair-pin turns and sudden stops while gripping a slimy pole.

In other news, I went off of birth control. We're using "other methods" for a couple of months but are going to start trying again soon. If I'd known babies were this much fun, I'd have gotten started a lot earlier. So now we're just going to have a little sister or brother for Anne soon. She's such a social girl, we need another kid in the house.

AND then I get another year at home with Anne and the new baby.