In which I am my beloved's...and vice versa AKA My thoughts on mutual submission

There have been things that have made people look at our family and say, "You're not like most Christians I know."

Usually, they mean something along the lines of:

• You're not as judgemental as I expected.
  
• You're not as narrow-minded as I expected.
  
• You're not as bigoted as I expected.
  
• You're not ...you're not....you're not.... [insert whatever their personal prior experience with Christians has been]

(It could be construed as kind of offensive. After all, I don't say to other religious people "You're not like most Muslims I know." But I get it. I really do. A lot of people have a bad taste in their mouth from Christians or Christianity; usually related to their personal experience as a child or with a friend or a parent or on television.)

Amongst Christians, I've also heard this about me and Brian. And usually it has to do with our marriage: "You're not like most couples I know" and, if that person is/was a Christian, they follow it with "especially evangelicals."

I used to think it was because we had a pretty solid marriage without a lot of drama. Neither one of us have any deep, dark secrets from each other. Maybe that's because we got together when we were so young! No time for deep, dark secrets to really fester. LOL 

For some reason, Brian and I have always  had an ease to our relationship. Even when circumstances have been abysmal or heartbreaking or frustrating or cruel, we have never been the issue. Our marriage hasn't been the source of that sorrow or heartbreak or frustration.  We aren't screamers or fighters. We never call each other names. We disagree but usually its resolved in a healthy fashion. We haven't had unhealthy relationships with others. We try not to talk badly about each other. We try to support each other's dreams and priorities. We have a great amount of chemistry and tenderness towards each other, an abandon.

Just like everyone else.

It's not perfect; trust me, we have our moments, just like everyone else.  We have deeply hurt one another.  But we have somehow managed to keep a deep, abiding love for one another central, above most everything. I used to chalk it up to things like we were best friends, we enjoyed the same activities, we laughed a lot, we were compatible, we were just easy-going people yada, yada, yada.

For a long time, I even believed (and still do, to an extent - but I won't say how far of an extent in case it freaks you out) that we were simply soulmates. Destined to be together, united in all aspects. And because we were "meant to be", we, quite simply, just were and are.

But lately, I have wondered if that's it. Surely those things aren't unique. Those things aren't that different. A lot of people consider themselves "soulmates" and yet hurt the dickens out of each other. Or argue like crazy. Or secretly think in the corners of their mind, "Maybe someday I could leave him/her. Maybe things would be easier if I just wasn't married anymore."

(Sidenote: A bunch of "our kids" are getting married now. I think we've had 10 weddings so far this year.  A lot of them have emailed us, asking for advice.  We've given lots of advice, usually along the lines of what I wrote above. The biggest bit of advice that we give is that if any part of you isn't sure, then don't get married. Love and marriage are hard enough without entering into it with doubt. Brian always says that if you are even wondering "is this it?" or "should we get married" or "is he the one?" or one of you is doing the convincing, then call it. There shouldn't be a tremendous amount of pressure to get married right away or feel like "this is as good as it gets". Once you're married, that's a different story....if he wasn't the one before, well, baby, he sure is now. But before marriage? Be picky.)

I've always thought you need to marry someone that you can be everything you are with and also everything you will be. Let's face it: we change a lot in our life. The person I am today is pretty different than the person I was when Brian and I fell in love at 19. And very different again from the person I was just 3 years ago. And very different from the woman I will be in 5, 10, 25 years.  And Brian has changed, even more significantly than I have, over the years.  His opinions, his theology, his priorities - you name it, he's evaluated it.  So is this someone that you can change with? Or would they freak out if you start to change? I know one couple whose marriage nearly fell apart because she put on weight. And another couple that are on the brink of divorce over changes in careers. There are others that just feel like they have outgrown each other.  This underlying feeling of "You're not who I thought you were" can cripple individual and joint growth in one another.

I think that change is one of the greatest strengths of Christianity. The promise of transformation means that I don't have to die the same person I am today - thank you, Jesus! If I was the same person I was at 19, I think I'd crawl into bed and not want to get out ever again. Can you grow together? Can you allow each other room to change? To try on different ideas? Can you grow and change together?

Another thing though that we've started to realise is different about our marriage and maybe worth sharing is this: How we view marriage and, in particular, "roles" also called "submission".  I think that our views on marriage tend to be rather different than what is taught in most evangelical churches, particularly in conservative corners. And maybe that's why we, nearly 10 years into our relationship, 8 of them married, are still wildly in love.  I don't mean that we have an open marriage or anything quite that out there. Rather, I mean that people seem to get a kick out of our policy of "you first".

In most of the non-Christian world's teaching, the idea of marriage is "love yourself first, then you can love others." In its most extreme form, it looks like two people, just out to get theirs, individuals that happen to be living togther. There isn't ANY submission between each other. Everyone is out for number one, their own happiness, their own dreams, their own vision, their own satisfaction.  Meaning that, ultimately, hierarchy wins, even in this most intimate of relationships.

But in a lot of marriage books or marriage counselling or marriage teaching in Church, we hear a lot about that heavy word, SUBMISSION. It's enough to send most women screaming, me included. And then men either feel like they are not "leading" their home and therefore resentful of their wives because "she just won't submit" or feel an inordinate amount of responsibility, borne on their shoulders alone, for the family or they just emotionally disengage from their wives because they feel "above her".

Even those couples that have a strong and healthy marriage often teach or model the rule "but when the buck stops, he's in charge" or "at the end of the day, he's the head of the home" or "I influence, he decides". Meaning that, ultimately, hierarchy wins, even in this most intimate of relationships.

And we just don't agree with that/believe it/practice that.  Our opinion has always been "we are in charge, together".

On the inside of our wedding rings, we have a passage of Scripture that, to me, sums up our relationship more NOW than it did when we put them on for the first time.

My wedding ring says "I am my beloved's."

And Brian's says "And she is mine."

(From Rob Bell's "Sex God", Chapter 6) She speaks a paradox. Two things are going on here.  She's giving. Giving herself away.  Letting go. Losing herself in her lover. And yet she's also getting something in return: the other person.  Her lover, at the same time, has let go and fallen into her.  There is something about losing yourself to another and their losing themselves in you at the same time that defies our ability to categorize.  Healthy marriages all have this sense of mutual abandon to each other.  They've both jumped, in essence, into the arms of the other.  There is a sense of mutual abandon between them.  If one holds back, if one refrains, it doesn't work."

So, this is how we look at it: mutual submission. Neither one of us is the head, neither one of us is the tail. The idea of submission has been used for centuries to subjugate women, to justify abuses and generally rip the heart out of half the globe while crippling the other half that uses the word "submit" like a bat. But there is value and goodness in the word and in the concept in a marriage.

It's just that we don't think "submission" only lines up with our gender.

(This portion taken from "Sex God" by Rob Bell, Chapter 6)  The word submit occurs only a couple of times in the Bible, most notably in the letter to the Ephesians, chapter 5.  The section begins in verse 21 with the command, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

The word submit is the Greek word "jupotasso", and its actually two words stuck together: the word "upo", which means "under",and the word "tasso", which is translated "to place in order". To submit means "to place ourself under, to give allegiance to, to tend to the needs of, to be responsive to."  Some scholars believe it originated as a military term, in the sense that when soldiers submit, they place themselves under their commanding officer.  The passage says we are to place ourselves under one another out of reverence, or respect, for Christ.  This reference to Jesus calls us to follow his example, his sacrifice, his giving his life for ours.  As its written in the book of John, "For God so loved the word that he gave his one and only son."  At the heart of the worldview of a Christian is the simple truth that people are worth dying for.....

So the teaching of the passage in Ephesians is to love and serve the people around you, placing their  needs ahead of your own, out of respect and reverence for Jesus, who gave his life for us, the ultimate act of love and sacrifice.  Die to yourselves, so that others can live. Like Jesus.  This passage is being written to a church, to a group of people.  The "you" here is plural, meaning many people are being addressed with these words.  This church is being taught how to live together in such a way that when people observe their lives together, they will see what Jesus is like. 

In Greek, the passage continues, "Wives, to your husbands as to the Lord." Did you notice that a word is missing?

We're missing a verb.  The word submit is not in the verse.  You have to go looking for the verb, which is in the verse before it. 

The wife isn't commanded to do anything different from what everybody is commanded to do in the previous verse, namely submitting.  Placing the needs of others ahead of her own, especially in her most significant relationship - the one with her husband.

Verse 23 is next: "For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior."

The word head is the word kephale in the Greek language.  We could spend hours analyzing exactly what that means but the larger point is that the husband is supposed to be like Christ.  And what does that look like?

Notice how the text continues.  Verse 24 repeats the submit command, and then verse 25 reads: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

Christ's headship comes from his giving himself up for the church.

His sacrifice.

His surrender.

His willingness to give himself away for her.

His death.

Whatever authority the word "head" carries with it is rooted in the sacrifice of Chris and therefore the sacrifice of the husband.

So the husband is commanded to lay down his life for his wife and the wife is commanded to submit to her husband, but they are both commanded to submit to each other because everyone is commanded to submit to everyone else and all of this is out of "reverence for Christ."

And that sort of sums it up for us. We don't see submission as my job or as Brian's. It is very clear to me at all times that Brian places me and my needs (and the needs of our kids) above his own. And I hope that that is clear to him on my part as well.

Sometimes we make decisions together that are very hard to make. But we never move forward until we are in agreement. There is no "because I said so" or "I've said my piece, I leave it on your head". We take equal ownership for our marriage, our life, our kids and even each other. We have "lost track of whose really in charge."

Because to be honest, neither one of us is in charge. We submit to one another because both of us are fully submitted to God.

We have mutually abandoned ourselves to one another. And found our true selves as reward.

In which I am officially a stay-at-home-Mummy again

My father always used to tell me: "Never have more stuff in your office than you can carry out in one box."

As I survey my little linen grocery bag with my worldly goods, I realise I've held more tightly to his advice than he could have realised. I barely have a box worth of stuff - one picture frame and a few odds and ends. So ends my latest round of work.

Yes, it's true. I've packed up my desk, deleted all of my emails, said my good-byes, transitioned my projects and generally decided not to think about marketing or financial services AT ALL for at least 11 more months.

I am officially on MATERNITY LEAVE, baby, for an entire year! Woo hoo!

And really, if this is what you have to look forward to, wouldn't you be thrilled as well??

In which abundant life is found

Ellis Potter (of L'Abri Fellowship) said this very powerful thing.

If you converted to Christianity today, do you think your life would be larger, richer, fuller, more attractive and creative, more involved with people, circumstances, art and culture around you?

Or do you believe that your life would be smaller, narrower, more withdrawn, judgemental and negative, less winsome and creative, less involved with the people,art, circumstances, and culture around you?"

Some friends of mine and I have been having an interesting discussion about the concept of Hell and whether or not it should be used to "convince" people to follow Jesus. I've always been of the opinion that, while real, hell is not necessarily the point of it all. I've seen in my own life that Jesus came to give life - and life in its most abundant form. It's not just a "get out of hell free" card like in Monopoly - rather, its an invitation to your TRUE life, the way life was meant to be lived.

"I [Jesus] came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of."  (excerpt from John 10:10, The Message).

I was impressed and impacted by a friend's response and asked her if I could share it here. She is a tremendous example to me in how she lives her life to know Jesus and make him known, her ability to cut through the crap to the heart of the matter and her fresh-thinking challenges me in almost every interaction we have. Plus, we both like our fair share of mischief.  

I believe that "The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word." AND if Jesus is the EXACT representation of God's being then I think it's reasonably safe to say that the way Jesus interacted with people is the Way I'd like to learn. Jesus did not frighten people into the kingdom. He invited them into relationship with himself and his Father. He was a minister of reconciliation, he came to serve, he told us to love, he showed us how to love, he told us to put others ahead of ourselves, he showed us what true love was by laying down his life for us "while we were still sinners".... THAT is God.

Sure... we can scare people into the kingdom, or into following a bunch of rules, but LOVE is the heart of the good news of Jesus Christ and His kingdom not fear.. that's why perfect love casts out ALL fear!!

Jesus is the Way. I'm learning His way... not man's, which I believe has taken something beautiful and twisted it to the point where we think we're doing God a favour by trying to scare the willikers out of people so that they submit to God's rule and reign. Did you ever notice that even though Jesus is King of kings and Lord of lords, that he never once imposed that on anyone? He never said "bow down before me!" In fact, he did the opposite, he humbled himself and served those around him and told them they were his friends. He loved them, and by doing that they (and we) learnt that our heavenly Father loves us, and we can call him Daddy, and we can enter his throne room with boldness, and we are his friends.

Oh, to be a friend of God!

That is the relationship I'd like for my friends to have with their father. The one that Jesus demonstrated.

I don't believe he was namby pamby... He was truth and light and love, not condescending, but not condemning either... he addressed our brokenness with love and understanding because he did understand.

Unless we start talking about the religious people who were misrepresenting God to those that were following them. Oh my, he was angry with them.

Now, I am not saying that there won't come a day when every knee will bow and every tongue confess his Lordship. Of course there will and on that day we will know Him as we are known, and I so can't wait to lay every honour at his feet. But I'd like to bring a train of people along with me that adore God, that aren't scared of Him but are so caught up in his loveliness that they can't help but bring trains of people with them too.

Jesus died for the forgiveness of ALL people. He so loved the WORLD... All are forgiven, an all are invited to consummate that by having a relationship with God, just as it was in the beginning. THAT is good news. That in and of itself is THE good news! Why do we feel like we have to add to it??? Do we not think that's enough? Do we seriously believe that relationship with our loving Creator isn't attractive enough that we have to scare people into it?? And once they're afraid that they won't be acceptable to God because of their sinfulness (which of course has never been the case), what makes us think that that's a great basis for their relationship with God to flourish?

If we do, I believe there's something missing in our own understanding of God and what he did for us in the incarnation. I think Sandy put it brilliantly when she said: I don't think love is watering down the gospel. I think that love is the heart of the gospel. Love is strong, not weak... Jesus talked about hell, of course. Hell is a terrible separateness from God. What he is offering is abundant life, life in the vine, life everlasting. That is the message we must preach.

In which it's time for some truthiness

This was sent to me and is too funny not to share. Most of you are familiar with my views on these topics so shouldn't be too surprising I've posted it. Most reasons I've heard against women in leadership are about this logically sound.

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Should Not Be Ordained

10. A man's place is in the army.

9. The pastoral duties of men who have children might distract them from the responsibility of being a parent.

8. The physique of men indicates that they are more suited to such tasks as chopping down trees and wrestling mountain lions. It would be unnatural for them to do ministerial tasks.

7. Man was created before woman, obviously as a prototype. Thus, they represent an experiment rather than the crowning achievement of creation.

6. Men are too emotional to be priests or pastors. Their conduct at football and basketball games demonstrates this.

5. Some men are handsome, and this will distract women worshipers.

4. Pastors need to nurture their congregations. But this is not a traditional male role. Throughout history, women have been recognized as not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more fervently attracted to it. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination.

3. Men are prone to violence. No really masculine man wants to settle disputes except by fighting about them. Thus they would be poor role models as well as dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.

2. The New Testament tells us that Jesus was betrayed by a man. His lack of faith and ensuing punishment remind us of the subordinated position that all men should take.

1. Men can still be involved in church activities, even without being ordained. They can sweep sidewalks, repair the church roof, and perhaps even lead the song service on Father's Day. By confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the church.

In which I am loving Michelle Obama

I am (thanks to MSNBC.com's streaming video) watching the Democratic National Convention. I wanted to hear Michelle Obama's speech. I thought it was FAN-TASTIC. Just love that woman - smart, articulate, accomplished. I loved her girls at the end; they seemed so bright and secure.

Right after the speech though, they announced the benediction prayer. And it was Donald Miller! I almost fell over. I hadn't realised that he was that well-known; maybe I've been under a rock since falling in love with Blue Like Jazz a few years ago. (BTW, did he lose a ton of weight OR WHAT?)

Anyway, beautiful prayer, beautiful heart. Loved that he made sure to say that he was praying in the name of Jesus. I searched around after he was done and was interested to hear some of his answers to questions about "why pray at the DNC"? Thought someone else might find this interesting too.

In which we have a winn-ah and other matters

For the sake of methodology, I'll let you know that I wrote out the numbers 1-18 and then asked Anne to pick one. She picked number 6....scgonzales! Christy, email me your address (poetstyles@yahoo.com) and which book you prefer...I'll try to get it in the mail before I go into labour...that's all I can promise.

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The emails are still coming in about the whole circumcision thing. Who knew it was so popular? Or that everyone had an opinion? Still no final decision (well, technically nothing is final until there is, in fact, a penis to decide about...).

My cousin, Sharon, wins for The Best Saying About Circumcision Ever: "Don't cut it off....let him just wear it off."

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My sister and Adam came over tonight. We enjoyed pizza, Anne's antics and of course, a deep discussion on the devotion level of Christianity vs. other world religions. Good times.

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Since Adam has now updated his Facebook status as "Adam is pregnant" , I feel comfortable announcing to the bloggy-world that I am going to be an Auntie again! Yep...my little sister is pregnant! Just about 10 weeks right now, she is due at the end of March. She is much wiser than her big sister and actually PLANNED her pregnancy. Imagine that. I'm so excited, I can hardly stand it. The babies will be about 6 month apart which means we'll even have half of our mat leaves together. Woot! She is feeling great - no throwing up at all yet (blessed girl!).

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Tomorrow, I am baking a birthday cake for Anne. I always make homemade carrot cake because that is what my mother made for me. It was even my wedding cake recipe. Then we'll have a sleep-over in Abby and have her party on Sunday morning with the family. We are so excited to give her her gifts...but I won't spoil the surprise in case she reads my blog between now and then.

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Two funny Anne stories before I go to bed tonight:

1. Anne's been doing great on the potty training. Thanks for the interest. For instance, she's pretty much totally day-trained, even during her nap, now. But occasionally, there are accidents. Today, she was playing in the bathroom sink while I 'putered around and tried to sit in the cross-legged position (which is supposed to be great for labour but I think it sucks right now) in the hallway. All of a sudden, she says "Ooops....I pee-peed." So I cleaned her up (all while wondering what it is about being in the washroom and standing ON THE ACTUAL TOILET made her forget that she had to pee in there but whatever...). It wasn't a lot and so I figured she must have caught most of it. Just barely a dribble, if you're interested. 16.5 minutes later, I had to pee myself and so I took care of business. But when I reached over to the toilet paper, I realised it was sopping wet. As in, Anne had PEED ON THE TOILET PAPER DIRECTLY. I guess she's a multi-tasker or something. Figured why bother with the middle step?

2. Drat. Now I've forgotten the second one. I'll be back. Stupid memory.

UPDATED: Just remembered the story! We were out at my parents house and their next door neighbour has a beautiful backyard - big flowers, stone patio, fountain, trellis etc. They have a little fish pond in the middle with those big koi goldfish. My dad took her over to their backyard to see the fish. She took one look and called the "Crackers"...he couldn't figure out why she kept calling the fish "Crackers". Until they got home and I realised she was making the connection between goldfish Crackers (the treat) and the actual, real live fish! She thought they were the same thing. The next time we went outside, she wanted to go see the "water and the crackers".

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In which they ate and they ate and they ate and they...

So there's this book called "Two Little Gardeners". It's an old Golden Book and, to be honest, it's one of the most boring books in the world. It's just a story - with kind of lame illustrations and big blocks of text - about two kids that plant a garden and everything they do to it like hoeing, planting seeds, watering, setting up a scarecrow etc.

I took one look at it (someone gave it to us) and knew she would hate it. No bright colours. No fun rhymes. Nothing. So NOT a preschooler book, let alone a two-year-old's book. Honestly.

And of course she loved it.

I now read this book, three times a day, every day. I have done this for three weeks now. And the only reason why we don't read it more often is because then I hide the book and shrug and say things like "Wouldn't you rather go jump on the bed in your panties?"

Anyway, the upside of the book is that she now has a passing acquaintance with veggies. And the fact that you pick and you pick and you pick after the vegetables grew and they grew and they grew and then you cook and you cook and you cook (seriously...this is the book).

We stopped by our local farmers market today. She promptly ran over to the pile of carrots and shrieked "PICK PICK PICK PICK. Mumma, EAT EAT EAT EAT!"

After we had paid for carrots, zucchini, corn, tomatoes and bread, we retired to a picnic table to listen to the fiddle music of "The Jammin' J's" (two kids with acne that played an accordion and a fiddle) and let Anne dance. Then we came home and had Market Supper. Which basically means that I boiled the corn and then we sliced the bread, ate the tomatoes on it and also gobbled up the carrots. Other than some salt and pepper and butter, it was just fresh veg and fresh bread. I think the only thing left is the zucchini. (Might toss together a pineapple-zucchini bread tomorrow.)

Sidenote: Brian always remains amazed at his ability to enjoy a single meal that doesn't involve meat. He says, with wonder, "I feel full....and there was no MEAT....but I feel full...."

The best part about it is that my child, without cajoling or pleading or bribery, ate an entire enormous carrot, half a tomato, two hunks of bread and an entire bowl of yogurt before finishing it all off with a big cup of milk and a belch.

Turns out that "Two Little Gardeners" is now my favourite book too.

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Oh, and on a completely different note, don't forget to enter my contest for a new book!  Pass the word - the drawing isn't until Friday night!

 

In which we return from a weekend with old friends

 

We spent last weekend at a cabin in the woods near Mt. Rainier in Washington State. One of Brian's best friends, Kevin, met us there with his family (wife and 5 month old daughter). They live in Colorado Springs but were in Portland so we all decided to meet halfway for a weekend together.

I posted a bunch of pictures from our holiday at my Facebook page, if you're interested.

It was, unfortunately, incredibly hot and the cabin (built in 1923), while picturesque, was very stuffy. I was rather uncomfortable but still managed to have a great time. It's nice to spend time with old friends, playing with your kids and talking everything from the spiritual practices of yoga to politics to birth stories!

It made me realise that I'm very thankful for friendship in our lives. Brian doesn't quite "get" this for me; he is still very good friends with people he grew up with. His parents live in the same house that they bought before they were even married! He had a lot of stability and continuity in his relationships. So for him, it's not odd to have friends for more than 20 years even though he's not yet 30 (but closing in!!!). We moved around a few times as a kid and, of course, as kids or even teenagers, you lose touch as life gets busy. You think you're always going to make new friends, always going to meet new people and create a new social support structure. As we've gotten older, I've realised that's not always the case. And so I've had to make a conscious effort to maintain friendships (even amongst family!) as we move and change. And now I realise that I've got friends in my life that I've had for more than 10 years! And they are good friends. The kind of friends that, even if we don't talk on the phone all the time, I could call them anytime. We stay in touch, we keep up with each other, we send pictures, we share memories of each other from "back when". And that's a great feeling for me that, even if we can't run across the hall to each other's rooms like we did in university or across the street to each other's houses like we did as young marrieds, we are all still committed to the friendship and would be there for one another in a heartbeat.

For instance, Kevin was there (actually in the room, pretending to be asleep!) when Brian and I had our first kiss. (He can tease us mercilessly about it, as a result.) It's fun to have people in your life that knew you before you were even together and now here you are, in a cabin in Washington of all places, with your kids and life still ahead.

 

In which it's time for a giveaway

Comments are now closed. Contest is over.

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I've decided to host a contest! I notice a lot of other bloggers doing this, so it sounds like fun to me.

To enter, just post in the comments section here and let me know where you live right now.

I see on my tracker that I get visitors from all over North America and even the world (hello, reader in Sweden!). So I thought it would be fun to see where everyone is from....even you lurkers that never post a comment. You can post comments anonymously (but may not want to....otherwise, how will I email you to get your address and send you your prize??) and if you're not a Xangan.

I'll give the winner a choice between one of my two currently read and reviewed books:

Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning or Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel.

I'll do a random drawing on Friday night at 8 PM (Pacific time).

In which I am seeing God everywhere

I see God in the strangest of places and in the unlikliest of people. I saw a woman today, in her business suit, come out of a coffee shop and walk over to a dirty little street kid in her heels, bend down, touch his hair with great tenderness and lay an entire breakfast at his feet before straightening to briskly walk back to her office. I have to admit that I cried over it all the way to work (drat those hormones - my ability to cope has significantly decreased these last few weeks!).

It started a while ago - I'd see two boys in the playground or a young mum in the pool with her baby or a group of people rejoicing at a wedding, for instance - and I'd feel my breath catch in my throat.

It was Jesus, everywhere I looked. That marvelous love, that pace and rhythm of grace, the "ten thousand places of Christ playing".

I'd find myself either near tears or breathless with worship. What a God we serve, that he shares this privilege, these "eyes to see" with us.

I think that might be why Angie Smith's recent post, entitled "Blink", impacted me so much. I recognised it as the place where God has had me for the last few years. Just seeing these small glimpses, these small moments where the veil is drawn back and I see Jesus, alive and well, moving and mattering, in the centre of the stage and in the margins. It started to blow my mind that just as I heard the voice of God in church or in Scripture, I could hear the voice of heaven in music, feel the worship in art, be surprised by Scripture, experience the beauty of not just the world around me but the people and lives around me. I was seeing how God shows up everywhere, in the lives of many in a million ways.

In a way, it's helping me to let go of what the apostle John called "debilitating self-criticism", getting my eyes off myself (and my failings, my shortcomings, my selfish needs, the size of my pants, the hundreds of ways that I still fall short in my own -and others - estimation). It's helping me to walk in that atmosphere of great and abiding love. My soul has learned to rejoice in the daily, mundane details of life, the holiness of the everyday. If I have developed a deep and abiding love for people - known and unknown - how much more does the love of God overflow? If I, being a sinner, know to love my daughter and our unborn babies with such depth and ferocity, how much more is the love of God towards us...even me? If I have been so transformed and changed by the significant relationship of my life (Brian), how much more am I changed and transformed by my relationship with Jesus?

Longtime readers will know that this season of waiting, change and even the unanswered prayers (like for our miscarriages) has changed me. I've learned contentment in a way I never knew I needed to. I've learned love. I've learned faith. I've learned patience. I've learned to open my heart and my life to the perfect love of Christ, "experiencing his deep and abiding presence". This process has given me eyes to see and a heart of flesh to experience his love. And I don't think I'd change a moment of it.

The thing is that I feel really, truly present in my life, fully here, where God has placed me. I don't feel a great sense of dissatisfaction or striving or work any longer. I feel .... loved. And secure in that.

What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it—we're called children of God! That's who we really are. But that's also why the world doesn't recognize us or take us seriously, because it has no idea who he is or what he's up to.

But friends, that's exactly who we are: children of God. And that's only the beginning. Who knows how we'll end up! What we know is that when Christ is openly revealed, we'll see him—and in seeing him, become like him. All of us who look forward to his Coming stay ready, with the glistening purity of Jesus' life as a model for our own.

My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God's command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us. (excerpts from John 3, The Message).

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Oh, and on a completely different note, don't forget to enter my contest for a new book! Pass the word - the drawing isn't until Friday night!

In which we are in Week 35

Just five weeks to go! Just five weeks to go! *sob*

We had a heat wave this week and I have unfortunately been experiencing the effects of that....I'm so swollen, I look like the stay-puffed-preggo-girl. None of my shoes fit my feet, my wedding rings (which are normally sliding off my fingers) can't make it past the first knuckle, my bracelet-style watch is now leaving a mark on my wrist and the bottom of my belly is peeking below almost all of my shirts. The good news is that it is raining today and so hopefully I will start to de-swell over the next few days. I am just trying to drink lots of water (great for the bathroom), sit in front of fans and generally keep my feet elevated. None of those things are working.

I had another doctor's appointment yesterday. Weight gain is still good, despite the sympathetic clucks of the 16-year-old masochist. I'm definitely retaining water (duh) but still just 23 pounds so far. I remember that I did the exact same thing with Anne and was feeling so proud of myself; then in the last 4 weeks, I put on 15 pounds.  So stay tuned....

My blood pressure and everything else is great. The big news is that the baby has completely dropped and even engaged in my pelvis already.  This didn't happen with Anne until 38 weeks. I knew that this was happening because of two reasons:

1. I have to pee every 16.5 minutes. I actually cried about it on Sunday.

2. Whenever Brian asks how the baby's doing, I have said that it feels like it's burrowing. Turns out I was right.

Doctor was actually quite shocked and kept saying "Wow, this one's ready to go! It's already really far into your pelvis." Of course, I asked if that means that we're "ahead of schedule" (i.e. will I be delivering any sooner?) and my doctor just had to be honest and say "No."

Drat her.

She said it doesn't mean that anything is happening sooner; it just means that I get to have the discomfort of the last two weeks of pregnancy for five weeks - aren't I lucky? Since the wee one is already locked and loaded, this means that I don't have a lot of flexibility these days and I'm rather out of breath and uncomfortable. I'm trying really hard to settle in for the next five weeks - I don't want to lose the "mental game" and start to believe that I'm going to go early. Because then, by your due date, you feel two weeks overdue. Not cool.

The heartbeat of the baby was very strong - 154 this time. So this wee one is trying to keep us on our toes - the first half of the pregnancy, it was in the mid to high 150s, then dropped to the high 130s for weeks and now its back up. (The old wives' tale is that if it's over 140, it's a girl. Under 140, it's a boy.)

In other news, we bought a new stroller while we were in the States. We got one of those Sit n' Stand ones. I thought we could get away with just our single stroller as Anne is a great walker. But a few girlfriends of mine - including one that NEVER buys ANYTHING she doesn't *need* and her kids are the same months apart- told me I was stark raving mad. So we did some research and I think we found a good one. I'll let you know. Anne seemed to really enjoy it. I liked that it fits our old carseat and so I don't need to buy a new one.

Also, I have good news to report on the sibling rivalry: Anne loves babies. I'll post some pictures from holiday to the States tonight along with some stories, but suffice to say, she spent 4 days with a 5 month old and did wonderfully. she seemed to really love the baby - she wanted to lay down on the floor next to her and play, she shared every toy, she wanted to touch her and love on her. She wasn't even jealous when Brian gave the baby a lot of attention. So all of that set my mind at ease. I've always thought that the majority of little kids just love other littler kids. She hasn't ever seemed like a very jealous kid and so I didn't have too many worries (for instance, she never snatches toys from other kids, has never shrieked "MINE!" and doesn't freak out if another kid snatches a toy from her - she just looks at them like "What the hell's your problem?") but it's still nice to "see". She was rather sad to leave "Baby" and has been asking for her every since.

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Your baby now weighs about 5.25 pounds/ 2.4 kilograms and measures approximately 18 inches/ 45 centimetres from head to toe. His elbow, foot or head may protrude from your stomach when he stretches and squirms about. Soon, as the wall of your uterus and your abdomen stretch thinner and let in more light, your baby will begin to develop daily activity cycles.


This week, your little one is now sporting fingernails and has a fully developed pair of kidneys. His liver can also process some waste products.

There's much less amniotic fluid and much more baby in your uterus, which has expanded to a thousand times its original size. You've probably put on between 25 and 30 pounds/ 11 and 13.6 kilograms and your weight gain has hit its peak. Even your belly button has got bigger and has popped outward. You may be feeling breathless now that the top of your uterus is up under your ribs. Try getting down on all fours to take deeper breaths. Although the pressure on your bladder will make the bathroom your second home, don't drink any less water -- your baby needs the fluids. But you may like to cut down on diuretic drinks like tea and coffee, which will make you have to urinate even more often.

Your doctor or midwife will probably want to start seeing you every week until you give birth.

• Note: Experts say every baby develops differently -- even in utero. These fetal development pages are designed to give a general idea of how a fetus grows in the womb.

In which Anne turns two and I turn reflective

My baby-girl is 2 years old today.

Here are a few of my favourite photos celebrating the past two years of Anne-ness. Captions are underneath.

Me and Anne, just hours after she was born on Friday 18 August 2006 @ 2:46 PM.

Just 4 days old here. She and I were napping together and she was just curled up, snug as a bug, when I woke up. It felt so odd to see her laying there, outside of me, but still curled up against my tummy.

Three months old here and in her Christmas party dress for Christmas card pictures.

Five months old...and so much personality. She always loves to smile and seems predisposed to love everything and everyone.

Here she is at 7 months old. Our beautiful, blue-eyed girl.

10 months old and in the pool. She's loved the water her whole life.

13 months old. She was helping me unpack groceries and came across a bag of hot dog buns. For some reason, they cracked her up. She took off with them and started to laugh hysterically every time she'd look at it.

Christmas morning. Somebody loves what Santa brought!

First taste of ice cream! 23 months old.

22 months old - this is what happens when Dad is the one to take you to the sporting good section.

Anne with one of her favourites, Hannah.

Almost 2 and in our big-girl bed!

 

I remember people telling us how much our lives would change when we had kids. They usually meant it in a negative way - like "no more time together" and "no more money for you" and "boy, it's hard work". They were right on one point - our lives totally changed. But for the better! Anne has taught us more in her two years of life than we could ever have learned without her.

• I learned to enjoy the moment. Instead of rushing, rushing, rushing, trying to find something better or more valuable to do, Anne has slowed me down. She has taught me that nothing is more important than what i am doing right now and to really be present here.
• I learned that parents are one of the best archtypes of the Father heart of God. Even though I had to wear a bathing suit for that revelation.
• I learned that I am responsible for praying for my child, no one else.
• I have learned that the songs of our childhood matter.
• I have learned - or relearned - a deep love for Scripture.
• I have learned that it's important to be uncomfortable now and then. To try to get outside of our "usual stuff".
• I learned that there are 101 reasons to breastfeed. And I will never stop trying to make sure everyone knows about it.
• I have learned that it's best not to cut a toddler's hair when you're a bit stresed out.
• I have learned that this - life, faith, all of it - is not my responsibility, it's my response to God's ability.
• I have learned that it's hard to let go sometimes. Even when our whole role is to steward a person towards adulthood, it still stings when it goes so well.
• I have learned that the best mirror in the world is a toddler.
• I have learned that we have more in common than I remembered. And I'm re-learning who I am, all over again.
• I have learned that you will not escape parenting without at least one poop story.
• I have learned that I can have it all - just not all at the same time.
• I have learned that TV isn't a great way to spend time together. And that my parents are very, very, very smart.
• I have learned that routines can become moments of great love and connection in a family.
• I have learned compassion and I have learned that each moment matters to God.
• I have learned that it's true - kids don't see race. And evidently, I have a family connection to Creflo Dollar.
• I have learned that kids are a lot smarter than we think, a lot sooner than we think.
• I have learned that, when there is music on, you just need to dance. And I learned it twice.
• I have learned that it's better to be motivated by grace than to be motivated by fear.

Just a small sampling. Imagine how much more I'll have learned by her third birthday and with the help of her new brother/sister!

 

In which we are in Week 34: Circumcision...to snip or not to snip... - UPDATED in comments

Well, we've already established that I am hormonal, grouchy, sleep-deprived, carrying an 19 pound baby, craving Fruit Loops and swollen. So I won't subject you to any of that.

*waits for the sighs of relief to end*

Instead, let's talk about genitals.  Won't that be FUN?!?

When I was pregnant with Anne, I had a dream about her. I "saw" her in my dream - I knew her gender and even what she would look like (turns out, I was right). I was so sure about this that I hardly even entertained the idea of a boy. I didn't really pick a boy name or seriously contemplate parenting a boy. I just knew it was going to be Anne.

This time around, I have had no dreams.  No intuition. No hunches. Nada. Zip. Zero.

So all of a sudden, it has occurred to me that I MAY HAVE A BOY.

As in, a little boy.

As in, with boy parts.

As in, with a penis.

I mentioned this to a girlfriend and the very next question she asked was "So would you circumcise?"

I was like...."um....NEVER thought of that before. Guess I better, eh?"

My first instinct was to say "Sure, why not?" So I decided to do a bit of research into finding out what it actually *is* to be circumcised. I read up on what the surgery is and nearly passed out. The thought of my small child, spread-eageled and having part of their body cut off with a scalpel gave me shivers. Then I shifted my thoughts to "Why would we?"

I came home to ask Brian what he thought. I figured he might have a bit more of a passionate response since he, you know, HAS a penis. I figured that if he felt really strongly about it, I'd go with his thoughts. After all, the people in the house with penises should have a weightier vote than those of us without one, on matters related to said-appendage (of course, there are those individuals that believe that simply having a penis means you get the vote for ALL decisions in the family .... not in this house ...that's another post...). He kind of blinked like "Where did this come from?" and then said "I'm open to researching it."

I think he always assumed we would because he is. (I bet he loves that I've just told everyone that he's circumcised. Hi, honey! Love you! )

We started to do some basic reading and research. The main reasons that we could find in favour of it are:

1. So that he can look like his dad. Brian doesn't think this is a big deal. Little boys seldom look like their dad until they're well into puberty. One woman I read likened this reason to "What if a mother had a masectomy? Does that mean that her daughter needs to 'look like her'?"
2. Hygiene. It used to be that they were thought to reduce infection and easier to keep clean. That doesn't seem to be a concern any longer since we have much better access to bathing. So didn't seem like a major reason.
3. He might get teased by the other boys in a locker room. Brian initially thought this was the biggest issue because he grew up in the midwest where more than 90% of boys were snipped. Of course, we started to look into it and it turns out that the majority of people in Canada are uncircumcised and it's also declining swiftly even across Brian's home country. It appears that the minority is actually the circumcised. So there might actually be teasing the other way in our area. How's that for turning you on your head (no pun intended)? Plus, I'm not too sure that the whole "let's parade around the locker room buck-naked and compare genitals" really happens much any more in this day and age (Can we say "Lawsuits waiting to happen"?). But who knows? I'm not a boy.

None of those seemed like a really compelling reason to do it to us. Then we started to look into why we wouldn't do it.

1. It's usually done for religious/cultural reasons. We aren't Jewish and so we don't have the same affinity to the practice.
2. This might seem like a broad step but it reminded me of female circumcision (or female genital mutilation). After all, that is still practiced for much of the same reasons - cultural norm, misguided belief that it's more hygienic, want to fit in with their friends or look like their mother etc. Granted the way that it is done is vastly different (For boys, the surgery is conducted in infancy so no recollection, plus there is a sterile environment and anesthetic. For girls, it's a procedure that makes me weep.) But I guess I got to thinking, if he was older or if it was my daughter, there's no way I'd let anyone near my child with a knife to carve up part of the body God gave them.
3. It doesn't seem to line up with how we parent. When we had Anne, we made every effort to ensure that she was bonded and secure in our love and our family. We had natural child birth, we roomed in right from birth, we did extended breastfeeding, we co-slept, we practiced baby-wearing. Basically, we believe in attachment parenting. It seems completely contrary to this philosophy or belief to do this to our son. Why would I allow anyone to restrain him and lop off part of his body for no good reason? It's painful, unnecessary and frightening.
4. It's actually considered a cosmetic surgery. The healthcare system doesn't cover it at all because it has no actual medical need.
5. It doesn't seem like my decision to make. It's not my body, it would be my son's body. And once it's done, it's done. Whereas if you leave it intact, he can make that choice himself if he finds any compelling reason to do so.
6. Some of the research Brian did turned up an interesting point. Evidently, the sex is better if one is left intact. The reason is because there are a ton of nerve endings in that skin that is removed as part of circumcision resulting in deadened nerves and lower receptors. I bet if we have a boy, he'll thank us when he gets married.
7. Finally, hardly anyone gets it done anymore. The Canadian Institute for Health Information, which in 1994 took over the national Hospital Database from Statistics Canada, reports that in fiscal 1996/97, circumcision was performed as a primary procedure on about 20 percent of Canadian male neonates, however by 2005, this had declined to 9.2 percent, which brings the genital integrity rate up to 90.8 percent.  Turns out the only region that really still does it much is the American Midwest (still around 80% circumcised). Peer pressure or cultural reasons don't apply to us.

The jury's still out but I'm certainly leaning towards leaving any of our boys intact.

So my question to my (faithful dozen of) readers: what did you do with your boys? Why or why not?

Thanks for the input!

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Your baby now weighs more than 4.7 pounds / 2.2 kilograms and is 18 inches / over 45 centimetres from top to toe. She's filling out and getting rounder -- she'll need her fat layers later to regulate her body temperature.

If you don't already talk to your baby, this is a good time to start -- at 35 weeks her hearing is fully developed. Don't feel ridiculous if you're already chatting in baby talk. Some evidence shows that newborns pay closer attention to high-pitched tones.

If you've been nervous about going into premature labour, you'll be happy to know that 99 per cent of babies born at week 35 can survive outside the womb -- and most have no major problems. Although your baby's central nervous system is still maturing, her lungs are nearly fully developed by now.

Many women start to notice a tingling sensation or numbness in the pelvic region or pain as they walk. This may be caused by the pelvic joints loosening, ready for labour. If you're terribly uncomfortable, mention it to your midwife or doctor and check out our self-help tips.