Sarah Bessey: April 2009

Thursday, April 30, 2009

In which I wonder if God can be trusted Part 1

I mentioned that I hit a bit of a wall during Lent. I'm going to start to unpack it but it's too much to do in one post. I hope you'll stay with me over the next few days as we go through this.

I'm still processing it myself and so I welcome your insights and comments and shared stories.

This was not not how I expected my Lent to proceed. I had expected to feel very holy and reflective. I had expected for God speak to me, for my heart to be renewed, my faith to be strengthened.

Instead, I have been mired in questions and doubts.

And it's for a reason that a lot of people will understand - where is God when people suffer?

Where is He when people die?

Where is God when hearts are broken, children are sex-trafficked, famines ravage, AIDS rages, roadside bombs tear apart families and children are wounded?

What about evil and suffering?

You see, I have watched Angie lose her baby. And even though she has reacted with faith, to be honest, I have not. I have thought to myself, "I couldn't do that. I couldn't lose my baby and be so...faithful." And then Jennifer's healed baby wound up back in the hospital, dying by heartbeats (Stellan is now home).

Mothers in Africa do not love their children any less than I do. There are famines and wars. Devastating wounds. Women all over the world are raped and beaten - my sisters. And then there are those closer to home like a friend that is sick and unable to care for her baby girl, another friend that is close to losing everything and is contemplating moving to a homeless shelter with her two children.

Every image of pain I had ever seen, every story of heartache I'd ever heard, filled my soul and I felt that I was drowning in their pain.

I started to have nightmares. What if that was my child? What if it was my Annie or my Joe?

I dreamed of standing by my children's beds, watching them die. I felt under attack for days, praying and clinging but not seeing an answer. During the day, I fought tears and heartache, praying and praying and praying, yet not sensing God anywhere near. My mind and heart filling with the broken, the lonely, the burned out, the beaten, the dying and abused.

And I thought "Where is God in all of this? Either he doesn't exist or he exists and doesn't care. Or he could do something and he doesn't. Or worse, does it depend on me? On my faith or actions? Because that is a big load to bear."

All were frightening prospects to me.

It was like the levees that I had built up, the dam to hold back the river of my unanswered questions had been crested. A torrential wave of doubts swept over me.

Can God be trusted?

Because even though the Bible says so, I was suddenly not convinced. Even though my entire life I have said so, I was no longer convinced. Even though I personally have lead a blessed and fortunate life, full of health and wholeness. Even my sorrows have been bearable, somehow, because of the support of a Godly and faithful family. But I would look around and think, "He doesn't love me more. So where is He?"

People said things to me like "It's a fallen world. Sin is a reality. There's always heaven." It all seemed very empty and useless. Very empty and useless when it is your baby that is dying. Fake platitudes to prop up the broken, but useless when you are the one that is broken.

Where is He? Why won't He break through? Where is the miracle?

Sometimes I think it would almost be easier if I was someone that DIDN'T believe in healing, that DIDN'T believe in an active, loving, miracle-working Jesus. Because then I wouldn't be so disappointed, so heartbroken, so devastated when HE DOESN'T. Not everyone that believes is healed. Not everyone who deserves a rescue in this life is rescued.

So I am left with this - Jesus CAN heal, restore, bring peace and justice....and He didn't.

Part 2 to follow....

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

In which these are some random acts of linkage

(First of all, a clarification. I have a post I'm working on about the Differences between Americans and Canadians (totally tongue in cheek, of course) and inadvertently published it yesterday. My bad to those of you that saw it in its raw form here or in your Reader. You'll see it again sooner or later but hopefully not quite so ugly.)

So here is what caught my eye this week around The Internets....

I've just started to sponsor another child through Compassion International.

Why?

Well, read these and you'll see.

God's Shameless Love for the Poor
Our Boy If you read Angie Smith's blog, Bring the Rain, you'll understand why I burst into tears reading it.
Sometimes I'm Miserable, Pitiful, Poor and Blind

This video? It. Rocked. And very much sums up so much. So watch it, please.

Labels and Being a Christian Feminist h/t Linda at Christian Feminism

Along the same gender lines, Jonathon at Mission Dei has had my pounding my kitchen table and shouting "FINALLY!" Of course, it won't make much change but at least he wrote it.

This post by Jennifer at Conversion Diary made me cry. Despite my non-Rosary-praying, I totally get this. Welcome to How Mums Find the Sacred in the Everyday 101.

Completely different topic but no less relatable. BooMama made me cry. And it's because I laughed so hard. Oh, bless her bacon-loving heart.

A weekly series that I quite enjoy is over at SortaCrunchy called "As He Leads Us" which is basically the beginning stages of a book about attachment parenting from a Christian perspective. All of it is brilliant but I particularly enjoyed this one written by a father.

Another one from Jennifer at Conversion Diary made me stand up and shout. Because this is absolutely the biggest thing I miss about my life before children.

And people wonder why I am the Nap Nazi. Now you know why I turn my life upside down to make sure my tinies get their naps.

This one is good news for me if I ever have another baby. After all, I'll be striving for Home Birth instead of Parkade Birth.

Women who breastfeed their babies may be lowering their own risk of a heart attack, heart disease or stroke, research suggests.

Slow down....h/t Bob Hyatt at Evergreen "In a faster world, maybe we need a slower church."- Leighton Ford

Thursday, April 23, 2009

In which I recall moonlit kisses

I watched him park his Dad's Impala, open the door and heave a big gulp of courage before running around the car to open the door for the girl inside. She stepped out, runners first, clad in shorts despite the cool night air and an oversized Hyacks sweatshirt. She was tiny compared to his lanky frame. They were awkward and expectant. Breathless and nervous. I saw them both sneak a glance around, making sure that no adults or witnesses were around. They seemed comfortable with me just sitting at the red light across the street. Because he shyly snaked his arms around her waist, she reached up to lock her hands behind his neck and pull his mouth down to hers. They kissed, sweetly, under the street lamps on 8th Ave for just a few seconds. The light turned green.
I drove the rest of the way home with the window down. The night was dark and cool but perfumed with the scent of the cherry tree blossoms.
I drove unseeing. I was transported, watching and remembering, holding a memory like a jewel in my hand, turning it over and over. April nights in Tulsa more than ten years ago. Brian and I, slow dancing on the side of the road to an AM radio from his borrowed Chevy Blazer. Him wearing jeans and basketball shoes with a Nebraska Huskers t-shirt, me in my barely-dress-code skirt and flip flops, red hair to my waist and cherry lip gloss carefully applied. Surrounded by warm darkness with the stars like a cathedral above us, faint noises of cars driving past on a nearby road, our feet shuffling, our mouths tasting of coffee from Java Dave's. Bodies pressed tightly together, wringing love from every minute before curfew.
And then the kisses. Those just-turned-twenty-years-old new kisses that make your heart ache and your mind swirl and your knees weak. Dancing slows until you are just clinging to one another, pressed against the side of the Blazer, weak with desire, hardly believing that you have been so lucky, so fortunate, so blessed as to have found one another already.
We were overcome with new love, filled with visions of what would be. Somehow in those moments, both of us foresaw the two blonde babies sleeping between us in bed at night, the home filled with books and laughter and conversations, the sorrow, the hope, the joy and the expectancy, the life together - all present in both of us on a moonlit night in the backroads of Oklahoma.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

In which this is the difference between Tiny #1 and Tiny #2

I am not the same parent that I was when I first started this almost three years ago.

Case in point....crying babies.

This is a photo that Brian took of me and Annie one night when she was teething.

She was weeping so I was singing and walking her. I couldn't be bothered to take a photo myself because MY BABY WAS CRYING AND SHE NEEDED ME.

Fast forward two years.

This wee laddie cries about his teeth and I think his face is so funny that I take pictures of him.

Doesn't he look like his heart is simply breaking?

He may need therapy some day.

(Don't worry - he got his snuggles and walking and singing too. I just had to take pictures FIRST.)

Don't forget to enter my Earth Day Giveaway here!

Monday, April 20, 2009

In which we have 30 ways to be green - and a green giveaway!

Comments now closed, contest over!

_____________________________

Happy Earth Day!

Well, I'm two days early but wanted to give you a chance to enter this lovely contest! Details are at the bottom of the post.

In honour of Earth Day 2009, I'm giving away a great book about creation care called Gardening Eden by Michael Abbate. This great book offers a spiritual perspective to practical environmentalism.

Here are 30 ways that we practice green living...

We're breastfeeding crazies. Environmentalism is just one of the hundreds of benefits of breastfeeding. No wrappers, canisters, disposable bottles etc... "If every child in America were bottle-fed, almost 86,000 tons of tin would be needed to produce 550 million cans for one year's worth of formula. If every mother in Great Britain breastfed, 3000 tons of paper (used for formula labels) would be saved in a year. But formula is not the only problem. Bottles and nipples require plastic, glass, rubber, and silicon; production of these materials can be resource-intensive and often leads to end-products that are not-recyclable. All these products use natural resources, cause pollution in their manufacture and distribution and create trash in their packaging, promotion, and disposal."
We're a one-car family.
Recycle everything we possibly can - cans, jugs, plastics, paper. We try to keep ourselves to one bag of garbage a week.
We don't use bottled water, choosing to use reusable bottles and purified tap water.
Use travel mugs for coffee stops instead of taking the paper cups.
Try not to use paper towels too much, instead using tea towels, newspaper or microcloths whenever possible including for cleaning.
I make our own cleaning products (a big post on this is coming up this week!) instead of using harsh chemicals.
Wash all of our clothes with cold water.
Don't have air conditioning. (This is only possible in Canada...I couldn't do this if still in T*xas!)
Pay all of our bills online and choose e-statements from almost all of our bills and statements. No cheques, no paper, no stamps etc.
Enjoy and support local parks and hiking.
Buy fair-trade and organic whenever possible.
Buy our weekly groceries from a local delivery service called Spud. No driving to the grocery store so that reduces emissions (they take 100 orders out so that's like taking 100 cars off the road) plus they buy local farmers and its primarily organic and fair-trade.
Walk to the library, the bank, the video store etc. instead of driving whenever possible.
Don't use plastic bags at the store, bringing along canvas or recycled bags instead.
Keep lights off in the house.
Use medications as a last resort. The amount of pharmaceuticals in dumps and water supplies is getting scary. We use natural methods first.
Support our local markets and farmers.
Keep our fridge and freezer on a mid-cool setting instead of the coldest.
Don't turn on the heat or the fireplace unless absolutely necessary, putting on sweaters or socks first.
Use reusable containers instead of plastic baggies when possible. When we do use plastic baggies, we reuse them several times.
Switched the majority of our lights to CFL bulbs. I know this can be a controversial one but we weighed the difference and felt comfortable with it.
Drive the speed limit! (Okay, so I'm the only one that does this in our family....)
Cut down on consumption. This is partly simple living, partly frugality and partly environmentalism. We're trying to stop the materialism from several perspectives and one more benefit is for our environment. When are we going to learn contentment?
Made my handy husband fix the leaky faucets.
Keep the appliances unplugged for the most part. This is also related to a lack of counter space. But instead of keeping everything plugged in and on the counter, we store them away and only plug in when in use. And really, who needs an electric can opener except for those with joint problems?
Repurpose items for toys. You'd be amazed how much fun Annie has with egg cartons, shoe boxes and milk jugs.
Garden. I admit to having an amazing aptitude of killing plants so this is solely the responsibility of Brian. He plants little planters with flowers on our balcony and the tinies quite enjoy it. Anne loves to water the plants and dig around in the dirt. We hope it will teach her a little something about how things grow. She'll really get a good lesson when we visit Omaha this month - Brian's dad is an amazing gardener! I can already taste those tomatoes....mmmmmm.
Donate clothing to causes such as Dress for Success or the Salvation Army instead of throwing away.
Read some good books about environmentalism or food like In Defense of Food and Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, Ecoholic, Enough: Contentment in an Age of Excess, Green Guide and, of course, Gardening Eden among many others.

Take some time this week to enjoy the outdoors and post about Earth Day yourself.
Or go hug a tree.

The book is called "Gardening Eden: How Creation Care Will Change Your Faith, Your Life, and Our World" by Michael Abbate with a foreward by Randy Alcorn.

Gardening Eden : Before the snake, the apple, and the Ten Commandments, God created a garden, placed humans in it, and told them to take care of it.

“Spiritual environmentalism” did not start out as an oxymoron—it was an invitation. Yet today, many believe God’s original job description for humankind has been replaced by other worthier pursuits. So when did this simple instruction become so controversial? How does one sort through all the mixed messages? Is making the world a healthier place for the next generation really a responsibility—or even possible?

Gardening Eden is a new understanding of how the spiritual dimensions of life can find expression and renewal through caring for our incredible planet. Empowering, simple, and never polemical, Michael Abbaté outlines the Bible’s clear spiritual benefits of caring for creation, exploring new motivations and inspired ideas, and revealing the power of our basic connection to all people and living things through the growing interest in spiritual environmentalism.

Green living is no longer a fad—simple lifestyle solutions are now available to everyone. Gardening Eden shows readers how this shift transforms not only our world, but their very souls as they’re drawn into deeper harmony with the Creator. This book invites them to discover the powerful spiritual satisfaction of heeding the call to save our world.

Author Bio:

A nationally recognized expert in “green” development strategies, Mike Abbaté is a founder of GreenWorks, an award-winning landscape architecture design firm. He frequently speaks to students and leaders about practical ways to minimize the impact of building and landscape design on natural resources. Abbaté’s work has been featured in national magazines such as Metropolis and Landscape Architecture and in many local newspapers and trade publications. He and his wife, Vicki, have two adult daughters and live near Portland , Oregon .

The drawing for the book will be held on Friday 24 April, winner announced on Saturday 25 April.
To enter, leave a comment on this post with a way that you practice practical solutions for a greener lifestyle! If you Tweet or blog about the giveaway, I'll give you an extra entry (just let me know in your comment that you did so and I'll add another entry for you).

Sunday, April 19, 2009

In which spring is arriving

A Light exists in Spring
Not present on the Year
At any other period —
When March is scarcely here

A Color stands abroad
On Solitary Fields
That Science cannot overtake
But Human Nature feels.

It waits upon the Lawn,
It shows the furthest Tree
Upon the furthest Slope you know
It almost speaks to you.

Then as Horizons step
Or Noons report away
Without the Formula of sound
It passes and we stay —

A quality of loss
Affecting our Content
As Trade had suddenly encroached
Upon a Sacrament.

~ Emily Dickinson

(A small girl that loves to give "big hugs" to trees that she likes. Literally.)

In which my husband deserves this - trust me

The Chocolate-iest Cake Ever is now baked, ready to be iced with even more chocolate. The pork tenderloin is stuffed with provolone, spinach and proscuitto. The potatoes are ready to be mashed and garlic-ed. The presents are wrapped. The cards are scribbled in with crayon by Anne. The banner is hung.
And tonight, our little family is having us a birthday party for this handsome laddie....

Nice sparkles there, Gorgeous. Ah, the perils of having an older sister.
And a wife that will post these types of things on her blog.
Happy 30th Birthday, Brian....MTB always.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

In which I wonder where my stitches at?

I mentioned earlier that I've taken up knitting.

By which, I mean that knitting has evidently taken me up and over.

Initially I attempted to self-teach using a book. While the book was great, it didn't go so well. I called my local yarn shop - it's just across the way - and signed up for a class. I even dragged my then-nearly-9-month pregnant sister along with me.

My LYS (look at me using the knitting acronyms!) is a humble place. I have been to other knitting shops like Urban Yarn that boast comfy chairs, warm wood floors, study wood shelving, blazing fireplace and a community gathering place. I go into these types of yarn havens and browse for hours. I meet other knitters. I chat.

I spend money.

Shan's on the other hand, is in a rundown strip mall with weather stripping nailed to the ceiling, white wire bins, barely enough room to swing a cat and Roscoe the mutt with a Humphrey Bogart red pleather coat. This shop isn't frequented by the cool knitters, the neo-knitters and those that only knit with bamboo needles. It's not a Stitch n' Bitch hangout. It's not a great place to spend an hour browsing. You get in, get what you need and get out. It is filled with grandmothers looking for a bargain, pensioners that have been knitting longer than I've been alive twice over, Canadian yarns, classes and Shirley.

Shirley owns the shop. She is small, beautiful, wrinkled, white-haired and plainspoken. She wears sweaters she knit herself. She does not suffer fools gladly but is eager to assist if you're willing to learn (and you'd be surprised how few people are really willing to learn, according to her). She once told a lady in our class that she was a terrible knitter because she wasn't able to "just do what you're told".

You see why I love Shirley.

I took a class with Shirley and learned to knit well. I then proceeded to fly over my abilities and butchered a sweater. Badly. I then tucked my tail between my legs and began at the beginning again - knitting baby hats, bonnets, booties, a teddy bear and another scarf. I joined Ravelry and spent many hours scouring and dreaming and plotting.

Click here if you'd like to see what I've been up to in that regard.

There is an entire world of knitters out there - obsessed, crazy knitters (ahem) - writing blogs and books and patterns. I have settled for checking out every book in the library on knitting, drooling over patterns, buying yarn and, of course, knitting.

I've read that it's the new wave of feminism. Evidently we are reclaiming the work of our grandmothers. Traditional "woman's work" has been reclaimed by women, as we choose to see it as just as valuable as traditional "man's work". I can see that as being true. Most of our mothers were set free from the obligation of these things - baking bread, knitting socks, sole housekeeping, required SAHMing, the requirement to wear high heels and so on - and I am so thankful. But now that we've been set free from the requirement, we have returned to this work, eager to work with our hands again, to slow down, to create. Making time for that side of ourselves, loving and honouring ourselves, our mothers, our grandmothers. Anecdotally, I see it around me. And it's not just knitting. For some of us, it's cooking or gardening or sewing or painting or writing or baking and so on. This work is being seen as creative and life-giving not menial and degrading.

I feel connected by knitting. It's tactile and forces me to be present there in the moment. It's humble, repetitive, challenging and, most of all, meditative. It's been the easiest way I've found so far to be fully present. If your mind wanders, you snarl it all up. I find that I walk this line when I knit - the line between striving and resting. My mind isn't too full but neither is it empty.

It's simply quiet.

Except of course, when I realise that I just did the last fourteen rows wrong and have to rip it all out.

Then my house is anything but quiet and meditative.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

In which I return

Happy Easter, my loves! He is Risen!

(The cherry trees are budding.)

Oh, do I have things to write! Things to tell you! I might overcompensate from my "Stop Talking About Yourself 40 Day Lenten Fast" by talking about myself 40 times in one day!

Not that I ever go overboard....

Or use too many exclamation points. (!)

So stay tuned for much ahead. Pull up a cuppa tea with me...away we go....

You're all most interested in the tinies, I know.

The most exciting news of Lent is this: SHE'S DAY TRAINED!

Hallelujah and amen. (And no, we're not sacrificing anything...that's blue Play Doh.)

Annie turned two and a half officially. She keeps us in stitches these days with her conversation. She chatters constantly (we have no idea where she gets this from...) and is full to the brim with mischief, joy and love.

The other day, Brian was reading her story and when he finished, she stood up, dusted off her pants and said casually "That was great. Thanks for stopping by."

And my sweet Joseph is six months old. SIX! MONTHS!

He's cut three teeth. Evidently he's an easy teether because I knew he had cut two when my mother called and asked me when he'd cut that third tooth she noticed on Sunday.

Um....couldn't tell you.

He has a third one? Right.

There it is. Another tooth.

He's still curled between us for most of the night and has refused solid food, preferring to nurse still. I tried for a week but he wasn't having any of it. So we're back to nursing and we'll try again in a week or so. He's sitting up, babbling constantly and has eyes for Anne mostly.

In other important news....

My beautiful little sister and her husband gave birth to our newest tiny. Her name is Addison Dawn and, oh my, she is lovely. 8 lbs, 1 oz and a dimple to boot!

And were we glad to see her after a posterior position, 51 hours of labour and 4 hours of pushing. (If I am the sprinter of birthing, my sister is evidently the Iron Man triathalon.) Everyone is healthy and settled.

I turned 30. And to be honest, it was lovely. And being 30 is lovely.

I am a knitting machine. I have crossed the border between "interested beginner" into "dangerously obsessed but not that good yet".

I have actually been knitting more than I've been reading.

I know.

I can't believe it either.

I have a long list of books to tell you about so get ready for some book reviews and suggestions. Everything from knitting (see?) to simple living to parenting to faith and fiction and so on.

We finished the application process and finally submitted that beast of an app to the denomination. All the information that I don't think many people other than my nearest and dearest know is now catalogued and spell checked. And in a true example of denominational speed, we have yet to hear back from them. It's a little disappointing; you (or your husband in this case) work so hard on something and it just languishes, waiting to be noticed. And then my husband said "Hey, remember how we wanted to church plant independently? Let's talk about that again."

And to showcase my amazing growth, I didn't even roll my eyes.

I had a pretty intense spiritual experience during Lent. Much will be written about this over the next few weeks.

H/T to the Ragamuffin Diva for tuning me into this poem over Lent...I read it and thought "isn't that nice?" only to be walloped with the truth of it just days later.

Lent is not for the faint-hearted

Lent is not for the faint-hearted.
It demands that we, like Thomas,
put our hand into the side of the crucified Christ.

Lent is a journey towards the cross,
a journey of enlightenment:
from wilderness to feast,
from desert to oasis.
It’s an attempt to identify with the powerless
and the suffering in the world.

***

Lent is not tidy.
The days grow longer,*
the ground thaws, there’s mud and dirt everywhere
and the windows need cleaning.

Lent is a journey.
So at the end of Lent
we should expect to find ourselves
somewhere different from where we started.

Lent can be an opportunity
to explore what is the nature
of the promised Kingdom of God on earth
that we long for;
a time to discern
how we are called to work for it.

No, Lent is not for the faint-hearted!

*‘Lent’ means lengthen.

Kate Mcllhagga

From The Green Heart of the Snowdrop, Wild Goose Publications

The blog is going to be going in a new direction. I've been writing here for nearly four years. It's morphed from a journal to keep our Texas friends in touch to a much wider audience and interest. As I've left my real-world job (and paycheque! *sob*) to mother and write, I thought that it was time the blog reflected these changes. I've changed a lot in the past four years...this space has reflected those changes.

So all that to say, we'll be moving sooner or later. (Probably later. This could take a while.) In the meantime, don't panic that most of the blog is missing right now. It'll be back. And I'm excited to see where we end up in all of this.

I missed you guys! Glad to be back.

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