And many of the people that I have admired and read for years - literally years - seem hurt by what I wrote and that pains me. So for those of you who seemed hurt AND those of you that were elated (Look! Someone else hates emergent too!) by my writings, you missed my point. Both reactions lead me to believe I need to clarify a few things.
Two Things I Need to Say First
-1-
I'm not bitter. And I'm not angry. This was never band-wagon jumping. I've struggled with the Official EC as a movement for the past couple of years, striving to hold on. (Those of you that have just met me, thanks to the considerable linking that post received, wouldn't have that knowledge, I know. But trust me - it's been part of a long journey and the EC is just one part of that.) I am sounding no death knell for the emerging church. I am not even criticising theology - overmuch. I'll leave that to those much smarter than I (which is most of you). Brian McLaren isn't going to hell. And he's not leading thousands there. I have no personal ax to grind and no sense of being let down.
It was never a cheap shot or a bid for being noticed.
To be honest, if I'd known people were actually going to read the damn thing, I might have phrased a few things differently.
-2-
I love the emerging church still. I have a great sense of gratitude towards the movement for introducing me to new faith communities, new friends, old practices that this non-denominational charismatic kid from the prairies had no inklings toward. I remain full of love towards, not just the Emerging Church as an "institution" but those of you that still call that home. I would not be who I am today without it.
What I Hoped For
I really thought - and still do - that the church was emerging in a beautiful new direction. The church is still emerging. We are just the beginning stages of the Third Reformation and I know that.
I couldn't express my hopes better for the church than Kathy Escobar (who hasn't a clue how much I appreciate her writings and perspective) did:
- creativity expressed
- doubt honoured
- equality practiced
- freedom celebrated
- God expanded
- justice pursued
- love, mercy & kindness extended
- pain welcomed
- power diffused
I still get chills when I read it. That is what I yearn to see in the Church, universal.
I am actually still full of hope. People are realising that they are loved. I am realising that I am loved. And living loved is making all of the difference! Those things that Kathy listed, I am seeing come to pass in a million small places, in many lives of those with no blog and no interest in classifying themselves.
Myself, included.
Well, except I have a little blog.
And too many opinions.
Here's the Difference
To me, the Emerging Church has become another institution. I know that there are many of you who say "That's totally not the point!" and you'd be right. It was never supposed to be that. It was supposed to be the power diffused community. But, for better or for worse, the conversation has concentrated itself in one group of people and a few select conversations.
The emerging church (lower case) still excites me. The Emerging Church (upper case, primarily American and rather Official) tires me right out.
It feels religious, in the negative sense of the word. Drawing lines in the sand, demarcations, accusations, secrecy, thriving on fear, exclusive, angry, suspicious of criticism. Many seem defensive that some of us are even articulating these questions.
The Official EC are doing a lot of good things. I know that.
They're doing also doing things that make me crazy. I know you know that.
It seems to me that the emerging church is emerging away from the Emerging Church (and that, my friends, that is one of the worst sentences in the history of the world).
It's Not You, It's Me. Okay, Maybe It Is Sort of You.
I was sorrowed when I realised that EC didn't fit me anymore.
After all, this has been "home" for me for a while now. I truly found myself in the emerging church and have long stood in alignment and support. I'm not a short timer, despite a few snide remarks and emails to that effect, leaving an unsexy revolution. (You can read this, if you don't believe me.) So when it became more and more clear to me that my priorities, my focus and my life didn't seem represented in the Official Conversation, I was genuinely sad.
I'm asking myself honest questions, not delivering heavy handed criticism. I'm not walking away from the conversation, or taking my ball and going home. The conversation hasn't died.
So here's the truth: My post was meant to be about my personal life and not about Emerging Church as a whole.
But now it seems I'm not alone. So maybe it is bigger than I realised.
I don't have much time, to be honest. We work regular jobs - and they're not the kind where you work on sermons for 20 hours a week. I'm raising two small, very active tinies. (And I want more.) We have extended families and good friends that we want to do real life with. I keep up this small blog during their afternoon nap times or, sometimes, when they go to bed at night (although that is prime reading time). We are learning to live a life that reflects our true allegiances, our true values, our true passions. We are trying to live out what God has already worked in.
That's what I meant by:
Ultimately, the reason why I feel rather done with it all is this: it's getting in my way. It's just a distraction to what I really love and need: Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I want to be a part of God's heart for the world, an expression of unabashed love and joy, peace and patience.Has it become a meditator? A distractor like most other movements and institutions, a way to play church, or look busy? Anything to avoid the reality of life and relationship with God will do. We can hide from God in rebellion or in religion. And the EC feels like a bit of a religion to me now.It's dawned on me that it doesn't fit anymore. And I'm sure I'm not alone. I'm not declaring death or writing eulogies. But I'm not paying attention anymore either.
I am feeling like I'm so busy living the emerging, I don't have much time for the rest of this Official-ness that is going on.
